I'm happy

Wow! I’m elated! And this elation has to do with the “new” man in my life! Life can be funny, you know! Less than two months ago, I realised how easy it is to slip into depression.

Ok, so I guess you must all have noticed that the “new” has quotation marks; that’s actually because he isn’t a stranger. I was his very first crush (to quote him, I was “almost his first love”-ridiculous term) and we were aged (if memory serves well) about 11 and 12 respectively. The first stage lasted till we were about 13 & 14 (I think). Nothing happened-no kiss, nothing! I mean we were both kids. After I left secondary school (about 16), I felt I could handle an “adult relationship” with him! (no sex oh! Adult relationship doesn’t automatically denote that) Nope! Wasn’t a good idea. Turned out (as he tells me now) that he felt he had to punish me a little for the earlier years for not reciprocating his emotions (hello! I was 11-12! Abeg that was the last thing on my li’l mind). However, he regretted it and is happy to have a second chance. Strangely, I can’t remember that he was being funny (totally unaware even @ 16 years) and like I maintain, we were kids.
We had actually lost touch-we saw a few times over the last seventeen years (has it really been that long?). At some point, we exchanged numbers, but I’m horrible @ keeping in touch (I keep meaning to improve).

Well, he was one of the people I sent a goodwill message to @ the new year and he responded! I promised I would improve in keeping in touch and true to my words, I called him a little over a week ago-really all I wanted to do was to say hi (keeping my word, even if took almost two months). He was so happy to hear from me-I was amazed but it was nice. I reckon that was the first decent conversation we were having in about seventeen years. I felt I did not want to rush things, but I had a re-think this last weekend-WHY THE HELL NOT? It is called living.

So here I am, in a new relationship and I must confess I’m happy.

It feels right! To be honest, I can't remember the last time I felt like this @ the beginning of a relationship-when everything felt so right and most importantly, I was this happy. I intend to enjoy it & hopefully we will both make the best of this opportunity (well, I'm on my way to 33 and he is almost 34, so yes! we have grown up and can now have that adult relationship with all it connotes).

Wish me luck.

Dwell on the +ves

I know that in my last blog I had said I would narrate what transpired that weekend. I changed my mind for the following reasons: I have decided to dwell on the +ves and walk away with the lessons learnt.

I was reading an interview on Neil Warren, the founder of eharmony and something he said really hit home: "What's the one essential quality to a successful relationship that most people overlook? "His answer: "Honesty! I find singles are too forgiving of people who lie to them. They think they won't lie the next time. But liars tend to be liars."

One of the lessons I had to re-learn is that trust is so fundamental-it starts with the little lies but then they grow out of control.

Another one is to always trust your intuition-be open and you will always be led aright. Help is always around the corner; you just have to reach for it.

I accept that we aren't perfect in anyway (my humble self included) but I can't reiterate the fact that we should never settle for less than what we set our sights/goals on. Do not manage-compromise (by all means do that) but the compromise should lead to a situation that is balanced at all times. I made the mistake of bending back over, accepting things that truly I have never taken in my 32 years of living (just re-emphasises the fact that we all learn each day).

The one I however refused to accept is being cheated on-I walked away. While I won't judge anyone for decisions they make (a friend told me yesterday that it's obvious I still care for him-why don't I fight to keep him??-if you ask me, crappy advice), why do we settle for less when we can strive for better and get it?

Valentine day is around the corner-I'm not about to say that I'm still not battling depressing feelings of hurt, anger, bitterness and sometimes hatred clouding my life (which i want to go away! go away!!) but I know time will help.

So for all of you going through heartache, give it time!!

And yes, before I forget, don't dwell on the perceived loss (hey! his loss, not yours. You are someone's uncut diamond-Hope is something that no-one should ever take away from us)


PS: I would however like to know what day I would wake up & it would be ok? (Hey! I'm only human)

Make my comments later

It's been an awful, depressing, torturing weekend but I needed to go through it. Well, I will give y'all the jist 2moro or whenever I'm in a better frame of mind. I don't want 2 risk breaking down in the office ("plenty embarassing"). In the meantime, this song kinda says it all (although he wasn't the one who walked away-I dumped his cheating ass)

Cathartic

Went searching for the meaning of catharsis-came across the following:

• purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art


• purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension


• elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

I think the 2nd one better suits me. I broke down, cried like a baby on Saturday-so much a pain & I needed release. As I think about it now, I kinda feel bad. I have NEVER EVER EVER broken down like that in front of a guy. I have always exercised better control and I'm actually shocked I did. I was vulnerable and in a lot of pain. And NAIVELY, I thought things would change for the better or at least, if he wasn't interested in making things work, he was free to walk away. I had been so unhappy all week long and honestly, was heading towards depression or if not that, some sort of emotional breakdown.

Well, today is Tuesday and we haven't spoken since Sunday. I mean, how stupid can I be? What's that saying? Action speaks louder than words. Talk about getting a kick in my big behind.

I woke up from my slumber of last week-rude awakening. I absolutely refuse to have my feelings trodden upon.

So YES!!! It is ok for you to move on. Reckon you have had your revenge and I hope you feel good, elated, satisfied. Wouldn't want to be you right now. Never ever treated you spitefully.

I, on the other hand, refuse to go through the motions of last week-that was someone I did not recognise, I did not like. Don't get me wrong-like I said it was a cathartic experience for me, showed me that it is ok to break down, hurt, love deeeeeply and not be ashamed of it. However, it can't drag on forever, so I have gone ahead to delete all phone numbers, text messages, email addresses-anything that can make me tempted to reach out. After all it's a new year, new beginnings.

Hey, I wish him the best. I, on the other hand, I'm on the road to mending. YEAH!!!

The new year begins 4 me

Woke up this morning and my eyes were swollen (how annoying). Had to think of the best way to make up so that they won't be obvious. Oh, I did a whole lot of crying last night and you see, I'm stronger than this. He & I have gone through a lot in the last two months (took some kind of weird separation) and I ensured I avoided a breakdown, until last night when I had a major cry-fest (and this is happening when we are trying to make an effort to work at things)

Maybe I'm just too sensitive! Maybe he is just damn insensitive. Maybe I read too much in2 nothing! Maybe he feels this is a non-issue! Whatever it is, there is a yawning chasm between us. Got me thinking this morning-should we stop working at things? Just decide that we are no good for each other and move on OR keep working at it, with the hope that we will understand each other better and be a good fit (see how I avoided saying a perfect fit-not sure that that is possible).

I really do not want to start the beginning of 2008 like this-I had even decided that this was all over until saturday when we met at our cousins' wedding (yes, his cousin got married to my cousin-it is a small world).

Anyway, my eyes are bloodshot this morning. He has a new job and suddenly everything is secondary to it. I have absolutely no intention of competing with a man's job. It is very much an egoistical thing for him. I shouldn't have to compete.

Ok, so here I am, my first post for the year is a lamentation-may the rest of my year portend better-AMEN