Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Make my comments later

It's been an awful, depressing, torturing weekend but I needed to go through it. Well, I will give y'all the jist 2moro or whenever I'm in a better frame of mind. I don't want 2 risk breaking down in the office ("plenty embarassing"). In the meantime, this song kinda says it all (although he wasn't the one who walked away-I dumped his cheating ass)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


Went searching for the meaning of catharsis-came across the following:

  • purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art

  • purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension

  • elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

I think the 2nd one better suits me. I broke down, cried like a baby on Saturday-so much a pain & I needed release. As I think about it now, I kinda feel bad. I have NEVER EVER EVER broken down like that in front of a guy. I have always exercised better control and I'm actually shocked I did. I was vulnerable and in a lot of pain. And NAIVELY, I thought things would change for the better or at least, if he wasn't interested in making things work, he was free to walk away. I had been so unhappy all week long and honestly, was heading towards depression or if not that, some sort of emotional breakdown.

Well, today is Tuesday and we haven't spoken since Sunday. I mean, how stupid can I be? What's that saying? Action speaks louder than words. Talk about getting a kick in my big behind.

I woke up from my slumber of last week-rude awakening. I absolutely refuse to have my feelings trodden upon.

So YES!!! It is ok for you to move on. Reckon you have had your revenge and I hope you feel good, elated, satisfied. Wouldn't want to be you right now. Never ever treated you spitefully.

I, on the other hand, refuse to go through the motions of last week-that was someone I did not recognise, I did not like. Don't get me wrong-like I said it was a cathartic experience for me, showed me that it is ok to break down, hurt, love deeeeeply and not be ashamed of it. However, it can't drag on forever, so I have gone ahead to delete all phone numbers, text messages, email addresses-anything that can make me tempted to reach out. After all it's a new year, new beginnings.

Hey, I wish him the best. I, on the other hand, I'm on the road to mending. YEAH!!!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The new year begins 4 me

Woke up this morning and my eyes were swollen (how annoying). Had to think of the best way to make up so that they won't be obvious. Oh, I did a whole lot of crying last night and you see, I'm stronger than this. He & I have gone through a lot in the last two months (took some kind of weird separation) and I ensured I avoided a breakdown, until last night when I had a major cry-fest (and this is happening when we are trying to make an effort to work at things)

Maybe I'm just too sensitive! Maybe he is just damn insensitive. Maybe I read too much in2 nothing! Maybe he feels this is a non-issue! Whatever it is, there is a yawning chasm between us. Got me thinking this morning-should we stop working at things? Just decide that we are no good for each other and move on OR keep working at it, with the hope that we will understand each other better and be a good fit (see how I avoided saying a perfect fit-not sure that that is possible).

I really do not want to start the beginning of 2008 like this-I had even decided that this was all over until saturday when we met at our cousins' wedding (yes, his cousin got married to my cousin-it is a small world).

Anyway, my eyes are bloodshot this morning. He has a new job and suddenly everything is secondary to it. I have absolutely no intention of competing with a man's job. It is very much an egoistical thing for him. I shouldn't have to compete.

Ok, so here I am, my first post for the year is a lamentation-may the rest of my year portend better-AMEN